Repentance and Forgiveness in Family Life

Repentance and forgiveness  are two sides of the same coin and are frequently addressed together. In families, repentance and forgiveness blend into an interactive process that is strengthened by family members' commitment to each other. The term "interpersonal transgression" implies the involvement of a victim and an offender who are, at the time of the offense, connected through an ongoing relationship.

With families we often feel that we cannot forgive because we feel that we are hurting too much. But what if you flip the coin and look at them and think about how they feel inside about the situation.

Factors associated with forgiveness

• Situational factors: Intention of harm, repetition of offense, severity of the consequences, cancellation or not of the consequences, presence of apologies, and/or compensation from the offender
• Relation factors: offenders identity and his of her proximity with the victim, his or her hierarchical status, his or her attitude after the offense and environmental pressures.
• Personality factors

Why Repent and Forgive?

Repentance and forgiveness have historically been regarded by social scientists as religious issues only. However, mental health experts acknowledge that it is impossible to address emotional and physical well-being without considering the relevance of repentance and forgiveness. 

Here is a video of a man who could have easily been so angry and everyone would have agreed with him and allowed to feel angry for what happened in his life. But instead he turned the other cheek and found a way to forgive.

How to forgive?

1. Recall the hurt. It is human nature to try to protect ourselves from pain. Too often we try to deny or forget the pain of the offense and avoid the discomfort associated with addressing that offense in an interpersonal relationship. In order to forgive, we have to be clear about the wrongdoing and acknowledge the injury.
2. Empathize. Empathy involves borrowing the lens of another person so we see something from their point of view. In order to forgive, it is important to understand the transgressor's feelings. Was the offense committed knowingly or was it an honest mistake? What were the pressures that influenced the offender to commit the offense? Is there an understandable reason for the offender to disagree with the victim regarding the seriousness of the offense? In what ways may the offender have been victimized in the past? What pain might the offender be experiencing associated with guilt and remorse?
3. Offer the altruistic gift of forgiveness. Forgiving with altruism is easier when the victim is humbled by an awareness of his or her own shortcomings and offenses, with special gratitude for those occasions when he or she was freely forgiven.
4. Commit publicly to forgive. The victim has a better chance of successful forgiveness if he or she verbalizes the forgiveness commitment to another person (for example, telling a friend or counselor about the decision). Some victims have formalized their decision by writing a letter, making a journal entry, or creating a certificate of forgiveness.
5. Hold on to forgiveness. After completing the forgiveness process, victims may still be haunted on occasion by the pain of the offense, during this stage it is important to move forward. When thoughts revert to the painful injury, the victim is reminded that the decision to forgive has already been made. He or she does not have to repeat that process. Also, it is important for the victim to remember that having forgiven, he or she has promised that there will be no paybacks or grudges. Although painful memories are not necessarily replace by forgiveness, the pain should be a reminder to move forward with ones life instead of revisiting the transgression committed against him or here. Deliberate efforts to stop unwanted thoughts are often  unsuccessful. Instead, when victims have successfully reframed their thought processes, it is probably because they have replaced the unwanted thoughts with something more meaningful or important.

Scholars do not know exactly how forgiveness takes place, but when genuine forgiveness is achieved, thoughts, emotions, motivations, and behaviors are changed.