Equal Partnership Between Men and Women in Families

What does equality mean? Well we know that it is too often used to mean the "identity"; that is, that two equal things must be identical to each other. Such usage represents a fallen and harmful understanding of equality that is espoused by Satan, who passionately wants all to be himself.

"The Lord did not people this earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value each the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of he symphony. All of Heavenly Father's children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole." Joseph B. Worthlin

Just because we all desire to be of one heart and one mind does not mean that we will all be identical. But we can be equal in blessings, equal in power, intelligence, wisdom, dignity, respect, giving counsel, giving consent, agency, value, potential, authority, exalted fullness, virtue, spirituality, and spiritual gifts.

Stewards in Equal Partnership
Family stewardships should be understood in terms of their responsibilities - obligations to one's spouse, not power over one's spouse.

"The Lord intended that the wife be ... a companion equal and necessary in full partnership ... for a man to operate independent of or without regard to the feelings and counsel of his wife in governing the family is to exercise unrighteous dominion." Howard W. Hunter

Gender equality is not some gratuitous element of God's vision of marriage: rather, we are commanded to presume the equality of our spouse as we approach the marriage altar, for otherwise we cannon truly love her or him. It is hoped that we then deepen that vision of our spouse's equality in the divine work that is procreation and parenthood. Indeed, given that we believe Adams and Eve lived this law, a marriage reflecting the equality of the spouse's in the ultimate traditional marriage.

We acknowledge that different cultures across the globe and across time have viewed the relationship between husbands and wives in many different ways, often at odds with the true doctrine of equal partnership. But this is not necessarily the right way to treat each other's spouses.

"In some cultures, tradition places a man in a tole to dominate, control, and regulate all family affairs. That is not the way of the Lord. In some places the wife is almost owned by her husband, as if she were another of his personal possessions. That is a cruel, mistaken vision of marriage encouraged by Lucifer that every priesthood holder must reject. It is founded on the false premise that a man is somehow superior to a woman. Nothing could be father from the truth." (Richard G. Scott)

Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage

"While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can e more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of very couple, every person."
Spencer W. Kimball

This statement helps couples who are surrounded by a world where marital distress and divorce are a commonplace.

Foundational Process #1: Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant
"The Family: A Proclamation to the World" states that "marriage between a man and a women is ordained of God" and that "husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other." Furthermore, it emphasizes that "marriage... is essential to His (God) eternal plan." These statements make it clear that marriage is purposeful, divinely created relationships, not merely a social custom, and that couples have God-given covenant obligations to one another. Successful marriages are founded on the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ and tied to our discipleship.

"The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in the covenant marriage relationship. Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of another corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as the individually and steadily come unto Christ and strive to be perfected in Him. Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and woman come closer together."
David A. Bednar

Foundational Process #2: Love and Friendship

Beyond assuming that spouses know they love each other, "husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other." The proclamation mentions the responsibility to love and care before an other marital obligation or virtue. Christlike love is the lodestar virtue in marriage-- it lights the way and draws attention to other virtues couples may wish to foster in their marriage. The Lord said, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; As I have loved you, that ye also love one another." (John 13:34) The command to love, by itself, was not the new commandment, for the commandment to "love thy neighbor" was given during Old Testament times (Leviticus 19:18) The new commandment was to love as Jesus loves, thus setting the standard for the pure love of Christ that should be sought in marriage.

Parents have not been commanded to love their children with all theirs hears though undoubtedly they do. But marital love seems to occupy a high and holy status. The love of which the Lord speaks is more than a feeling. Agency, or personal choice, is involved.

"Love is distinct from "being in love" is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit... They can have love for each other given at those moments when they do not like each other... It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that stared it" (C.S. Lewis)

What can Married Couples do to Nurture Love and Friendship?

1. Get in sync with your partner's love preferences. Find out how your partner likes to receive love and then those things often. A good source for this would be The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
2. Talk as friends. Sometimes our couple conversation is all about the business of life: the job, the kids, problems. Of course these things need to be handled, but it is also important to make time to simply talk as friends.
3. Respond to bids for connection. Our best efforts to connect is marriage can be jeopardized as a result of the failure to respond to another's bids, which John Gottman calls "the fundamental unit of emotional communication." A bid can be a question, a look, a gesture, a touch -- any single expression that says, "I want to feel connected to you."
4. Set goals for couple interaction. Couples can turn toward each other in many ways every day. 
1. Respond to bids for attention, affections, humor, or support. 
2. Make an effort to do everyday activities together, such as reading the mail or making the bed.
3. Have a stress-reducing conversation at the nd of the day. this involves reuniting at the ead of a busy day to see how things went, and listing to and validating one another.
4. Do something special every day to communicate affection a appreciation.
5. Keep track of how well you are connecting emotionally with each other, and make enhancements when necessary.

Foundational Process #3: Positive Interaction

Positive emotions towards one's spouse are ital to a healthy marriage. Negative emotions, if they occur frequently and are allowed to deepen, can threaten a marriage. 

To enhance positive interaction in marriage, focus on your spouse's positive qualities. Humorist Jay Trachman once gave some sage advice: "The formula for a happy marriage? It's the same as the formula for living in California: when you find a fault, don't dwell on it." If spouses decide that negativity is their "dwelling place" they can become experts at identifying negative traits and minimizing or ignoring the positive ones. 

Foundational Process #4: Accepting Influence from One's Spouse

In marriage, the process of sharing the decision - making power with one's spouse is referred to in some scholarly literature as accepting influence. Accepting influence refers to counseling with and listening to one's spouse, respecting and considering his or her opinions as valid as one's own, and compromising when making decisions together.

Sharing influence in all family affairs. Part of the recipe for a happy, healthy marriage (and a sturdy foundation) is for both partners to share equal ownership and influence in all family affairs. 

Ways to accept influence. 

1. We can accept influence by turning to our spouse for advice
2. Being open to his or her ideas
3. Listening to and considering his or her opinions,
4. Learning from our spouse
5. Showing respect during disagreements
6. Recognizing points we both agree on
7. Compromising
8. Showing trust in our spouse
9. Being sensitive to his or her feelings

Foundational Process #5: Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems

Elder Bruce C. Hafen tells the following story: "A bride sighed blissfully on her wedding day, 'Mom, I'm at the end of all my troubles!' 'Yes,' replied her mother, 'but at which end?'" 

Conflicts, disagreements, and challenges are a normal part of every marriage. Couples may enter marriage expecting it to be idyllic, but the experience of differences and resolving them are conditions or mortality, perhaps eternity. Disagreements crop up in even the best marriage, How difference are handled is an important key to marital success or failure. 

"Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure hat we know how to resolve them. That is part or the process of making a good marriage better." (Elder Joe J. Christensen)

Here is a cute problem solving loop that I found that might work for you. 

Foundational Process #6: Continuing Courtship through the Years

What is entropy? Yes, it is a physical science concept. So it may surprise you to learn that this concept has application in marriage, too. A good definition of entropy is "the tendency of a physical system to lose energy and coherence over time, such as a gas that expands and dissipates until there is little trace left." (Doherty, 1997, p. 9) How does this apply in marriage? Years ago, President Spencer  W. Kimball taught that "many couples permit their marriages o become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn--out jokes or cold gravy." More recently. William Dohery comment about the entropic family, and by extension, the entropic couple who, through a lack of attention to their inner life, gradually drift apart because they lack infusions of bonding and intimacy, They become victims of he "cold gravy syndrome." 

What are some things couples can do to keep courtship alive through the years? 

1. Attend to the little things. Constant appreciation for each other and a thoughtful demonstration of gratitude. Encourage and help each other grow.
2. Be intentional about doing things every day to enrich the marriage. Have special activities that purposefully engage each other in to continue to build and maintain their relationship. These are sometimes called rituals and there are three kinds. 
1. Connections rituals: to maintain the bond between two people
2. Love rituals: to keep the romance alive in marriage
3. Celebrations rituals: to show honor, love, and respect for each other
3. Spend at least five hours a week strengthening your relationship. Couples that spend at least five hours a week on their relationship fared at the best over time. To succeed at this there are four things during those five hours that you must do.
1. Learn one thing that happened in your spouse's life each day.
2. Have a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each day.
3. Do something special everyday to show affection and appreciation
4. Have a weekly date.

I leave you with one last quote:

"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary, If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as times goes by. Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat it just that way." 

Elder F. Burton Howard

What I Learned Today

Today while I was doing some homework I came across this question that I had to answer. I was totally led by the spirit as I answered this question. It really helped me to see what I wanted when I eventually have children of my own.

Suppose a classmate states his or her understanding that “the Proclamation says that women should be in charge of parenting because she is the nurturing in the family”, and that “men are to make final decisions in the home, because he is called to preside.” How might you help to clarify what the Proclamation actually teaches on those matters? State it as you might if you were speaking to that person, rather than about that person’s comments.

This question really hit home with me. I learned that someone that I know believes this and was very disappointed that they did. I was thrilled for the readings because it fell right along with my question as to how I would answer it if they talked to me about this.

• When reading The Proclamation it states that, “Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs…Husbands and wives –mothers and fathers- will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” In this statement it says parents not just the wife; meaning that together they need to teach the children righteousness. In the sentence after you quoted it says, “In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” So when the parents are together they are to help, preside, and teach their children together. This is critical when it comes to the full growth of your children.  If you fail to fulfill your family responsibilities you will one day stand accountable before God. I know that I would not want to stand before God and have to explain why I wasn't doing the best I possibly could as a parent.

If they still would not believe me then I would tell them to pray about it and sincerely ask God for an answer. If they were worthy members of the church I would advise that they go to the temple and pray about it because Satan would not be able to tempt them in any way and they would be given the right answer. 

So what do you think about this topic?

Parenting

"To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them."
-President Thomas S. Monson

We addressed some of the challenges of becoming parents but this lesson will focus on some of the challenges and opportunities relative to rearing children within the family.

We will consider the total effects of parenting, both upon the children and the parents, as well as the subsystems. Though we will not be able to cover the wide range of topics and opportunities relative to parenting we will dive in deeply enough to help you develop some parenting skills and perspectives beyond your own upbringing experiences.

As always, recognizing and committing to utilize wise and well-researched approaches will serve you well, in terms of developing your own family skills and helping others to do so as well.

Along with the parenting ideas, here is a very good article about the ministering of Angels. I never thought of them in this way and really enjoyed this reading. 

http://ldsmag.com/article/1/11837

Fathers and Finances

"We do live in turbulent times. Often the future is unknown; therefore, it behooves us to prepare for uncertainties. Statistics reveal that at some time, for a variety of reasons, you may find yourself in the role of financial provider. I urge you to pursue your education and learn marketable skills so that, should such a situation arise, you are prepared to provide."
-President Thomas S. Monson

Michael Williams (my teacher) once led a series of seminars where he lived in California. The series, titled “Fatherhood Matters” provoked some controversy in the community. Some complained that it was sexist to suggest that paternal parents were worthy of any special attention; others suggested that they were not even necessary. Men seemed embarrassed by the attention, and many wives were thrilled to think that their husbands would be interested in learning to be more effective. Overall, the experience seemed to indicate that our society demonstrates some degree ambivalence or confusion about what a father is, and whether it deserves any special attention.

Due to the tendency for traditional families to rely on the husband and father to provide for the financial needs of the family we will combine this with discussion of family finances. Bear in mind that finances is not just a simply matter of earning and spending money. Every aspect of family life can be influenced by financial issues, mandating that we take care to understand choose carefully our family rules relative to finances.

Communication & Mutual Problem Solving

Harold B Lee said, "We should communicate not only to be understood, but so clearly that we cannot be misunderstood."

This how communication works.

Thought/Feelings-> encode-> media (words, tone, nonverbal)-> decode -> Thoughts/feelings


When communicating: 14% are words, 35% is out tone, and 51% is nonverbal communication. Knowing this do you need to change the way that you communicate with the people around you?

Nonverbal Communication
 facial expressions
body language
eye contact
clothing choice and color
shoes

There are many many many more forms of nonverbal communication but these are the ones that most people think of right away. Now that you know this, is your nonverbal matching up with your verbal communication? If not, maybe it should. No need to use sarcasm to tell others what you are thinking just do it in a soft kind way.

The Family Under Stress

It would be great if everything went smoothly and on schedule, but it is not likely to work quite that easily.

Every family encounters crises--those moments in which our choices either move our family in an upward direction or create additional, perhaps more serious, problems to address. Crisis is best viewed as an opportunity paired with danger; as the term implies our response to these moments are critical to our further success.

So with that definition, let me ask you a question. How could a family in a middle of a crisis pull it together when it could very well pull it apart?

Not to go into too much detail, but my family had a very crisis moment when I was about 15 years old. I remember the time very well. Things were crazy at home, but I loved how my parents brought us together with the help of our religious beliefs. My parents planned out more family activities and often we would go to church outings together. Even though things were hard, it made dealing with the stressor so much easier knowing that my parents loved me and my little brother and sister along with the feeling of love from my Heavenly Father. Now, I'm sure that trying to get me to go to these things was kind of hard. I had so much anger towards everyone in my family, even myself, that sometimes I was really stubborn when it came to doing things that parents knew would help me in the long run, but I just could not see it.

If you are going through a crisis time with your family. Think of some ways that will bring you closer together so that when everything is said and done your bond is stronger than it ever was before. Look towards the future and have a goal that is reachable, but challenges you at the same time. And most of all stay positive. Say to yourself, "I can do hard things" and other similar sayings. You are loved and let others show you how much they love you. Be willing to accept help from those around you. Keep up the good work!

Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

This is a link to something that we discussed in class. The article talks about how sex education is discussed in public schools. This article also talks about an school in a New York City who is more open in their ideas of teaching this topic to teenagers. 

http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/mandatory-sex-ed-curriculum-new-york-city-public-schools-132404248.html?dr

Here is one quote from the article: 

"Middle school students will be assigned "risk cards" that rate the safety of different activities, the paper says, from French kissing to oral sex. The workbooks for older students direct them to a website run by Columbia University, which explores topics such as sexual positions, porn stars, and bestiality. The lessons explain risky sexual behavior and suggest students go to stores to jot condom brands and prices. The Department of Education says the curriculum 'stresses that abstinence is the best way to avoid pregnancy and STD/HIV' and reminded the Post that parents have the option to exclude their kids from lessons on "methods of prevention.' In August, Deputy Mayor Linda Gibbs commended the return of mandatory sex ed, saying the DOE wants to give students the correct information about sexual activity if they do choose to engage in it. "We want to help kids to delay the onset of sexual activity, and if they choose to engage in sexual activity, to do it in a healthy way," she said. The classes will be coeducational, and can be incorporated into existing health education courses."

Now, I am not a mother, but I don't agree with this form of teaching. I would not want my children to have to learn this from the school system and I feel that parent should take the time to teach their children about sex. The schools shouldn't have to teach this, but they do because parents don't teach their own children. It's sad that we can't talk about sex to our own kids, because we think that they are too young to even try having sex., but the reality is is that kids are curious and will be until it's not a mystery to them anymore. So take the time and teach your children about it and abstinence. 

Transitions in Marriage

As we continue our exploration of marriage within the greater context of family we will discuss significant transition points in marriage. These transitions include the wedding, initial marriage, introduction of children, and inclusion of additional children.

In order to understand the family we need to see the transitions that must necessarily happen as family members are added and roles change. To fail to make these adjustments would limit the family to meet the needs of its members as these needs change. It is therefore easier to see the danger of overly rigid family boundaries.

Take the opportunity to see the choices and opportunities afforded at each of these transition points. Failure to see and act upon these opportunities would be to miss out on some of the greatest resources afforded.

"Meanwhile, mortal misunderstandings can make mischief in marriage. In fact, each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people. Happiness can come to them only through their earnest effort. Just as harmony comes from an orchestra only when its members make a concentrated effort, so harmony in marriage also requires a concerted effort. That effort will succeed in each partner will minimize personal demands and maximize actions of loving selflessness." -Elder Russell M. Nelson

 With family roles we discussed how these roles slightly change when a baby is born into the family.

Baby: Needs complete help with everything in it's life. It can't do anything on it's own so the responsibilities lie souly on the parents. 

Mother: Must now nurture an infant that cannot do anything for itself and still have enough energy to do everything else in the day.

Father: Must now protect, provide, and preside for the mother AND the child. Plus he must have ambition to come home and love on both the mother and child.

When a baby comes in to a home it is important that couples keep their intimacy going through talking  and communication, since they cannot do anything physically for a while. Life can get really stressful and hard after a baby enters the world. He/she has to be fed every two hours and in between that they will need diaper changes and lots of naps. Often babies are so tired that they can't fall asleep and so they just keep crying. This is when it starts to get stressful because the parents are in dire need of sleep just to function. The stress becomes apparent in the relationship and can create stress on the couple. Often divorce occurs after a child is born because of the lack of physical intimacy and sleep deprivation. Be aware that this is struggle point for all couples and that you can make it through it. Ask for help from family and friends so that you can get some extra sleep while they take care of your baby for a little while.

Preparing for Marriage

M. Scott Peck said, "One result of the mysterious nature of love is that no one has ever, to mu knowledge, arrived at a truly satisfactory definition of love. In an effort to explain it, therefore, love has been divided into various categories: eros, philia, agape; perfect love and imperfect love, and so on. I am presuming, however, to give you a single definition of love, again with the awareness that it is likely to be in some way or ways inadequate. I define love thus: The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." (The Road Less Travelled, 1978, p. 81)

"Marriage is perhaps the most vital of all the decisions and has the most far-reaching effects, for it has to do not only with immediate happiness, but eternal joy as well. It affects not only the two people involved, but their families and particularly their children and their children's children down through the many generations." (Spencer W. Kimball, 1976, Marriage and Divorce, 2)